Now Im Stronger.. Than Yesterday ! <3 How I overcome my struggles in 2019 !

“Cause there is beauty in the breakdown” – Frou Frou “Let Go”

Hi Everyone ! I can’t believe that in two more days ! We are going into a new decade !! Its crazy ! The fact that the year is coming to a end, I wanted to recap my year in 2019 ! I wanted to show photos to show my progress of how I evolved as a person ! ❤ I wanted to use the first photo from my 22nd birthday, during that time it was the beginning of 2019.. in that photo you see a girl smiling next to her favorite birthday cake.. but inside I was going through a very bad depression to the point I had lost myself, I wasn’t Brooke anymore. But, I did not want anyone to know my struggles only few people in my inner circle and family knew I was struggling a lot.. but I was putting on a happy face while I was on social media, pretending my life was great and I was so happy.. it honestly was a cry for help. The next photo is a selfie in my room, (Very basic I know) I believe this was in the middle of the year in March, seeing the selfie now I think okay that is a nice photo of myself ! While, that photo was taken I thought I looked disgusting and began to edit my face to the point where it was pretty obvious it was photo shopped. All I did was take photos in my room, and posting them on Instagram because I was not feeling good about myself and I wanted reassurance that I was beautiful and feeling accepted. I didn’t feel it towards myself so I was seeking approval from others. Everyone knew, they would start pointing out I was taking too many selfies and began to tell me to stop and I had gotten angry pretending I didn’t have a problem and I was fine. In the 3rd photo, maybe in April this photo was taken my friend and I went to pirates cove and decided to walk around, this is when I realized my depression was affecting everyone around me, and I needed help ! I decided to go to therapy to talk to someone and vent about my issues going on with myself. Also, this is when spring was beginning so I felt better because in the winter time I do suffer from seasonal depression.. and it is very hard for me to be motivated . So when Spring was arriving I felt better, and more encouraged to get out of bed and live my life ! I started to get back into yoga ! Which made me feel more confident with working out and it helped a lot of with my endorphins making me feel more positive and happy ! In the summer which was in the 4th photo, I started to get into photography ! It was a great outlet to express myself ! It helped me gain back confidence in myself ! Taking photos to show the beauty in the world ! Photography had made me meet so many new people and gained my confidence back and reconnected with people from my past ! In the 5th photo I started to blog which helped me express how I was feeling ! I have problems with talking about how I feel to others, when I get upset or mad I don’t express how I am feeling which isn’t fair to everyone because mostly they have no idea what is going on or are confused. It was a great outlet to talk about how I really feel !! Sometimes when I had a bad day I would just write and vent about what was going on with myself. In the 6th photo, I went to a sunflower field (Oh really Brooke ? I had no idea !!) This was near the end of Summer, I was feeling better ! I started to help my dad with shoots at his company and felt really good ! But, I was talking to someone from my past that I shouldn’t have, I was dependent on him to make me happy which you should never do ! You should always feel happy with yourself ! Never be dependent on someone to make you feel worthy. I really liked this guy a lot, even though in the past the relationship (we never dated but we had a fling) was rocky and we wanted two different things out of our relationship. I remember messaging him and trying to get his attention, meanwhile he was talking to other girls and it made me feel miserable about myself thinking “Why aren’t I good enough?” It affected my self esteem and how I viewed myself. During that time, I realized I still wasn’t feeling 100% about myself. I thought I had gotten better but talking to this guy and realizing that I was upset that he talked to other girls or didn’t like my photos on Instagram affected me so much. I noticed I was getting depressed again because of a fucking guy and I thought “Why am I getting so upset over him?” I didn’t wanna go back into depression because of this stupid guy who didn’t even really care about me so I texted him one day and said we shouldn’t talk anymore and it would be good for the both of us ! Honestly, sending that text message to him felt so good ! I was done with the constant talking to me and then leaving me alone ! I deserve so much better ! I wanted to have people in my life who give an effort to talk to me and get to know me ! Not me, talking to them on their time and waiting around for them ! In the 6th photo, I decided to go into the city by myself (For the first time) I hanged out with my friend, Jason. Who ive been close with ever since highschool ! We walked around and hanging out for a while ! He was taking photos of me (my personal photographer of the day) I love how he took photos of myself in my prime just enjoying the moment and being happy !!! (: Its great reconnecting with old people from your past as i said before you left off where you guys were before ! Also, seeing Jason how happy he was and how much he had achieved since highschool made me so happy for him and I was so proud and still am being his friend !! In the 7th photo, I finally got a camera (Canon t2i) old school but I still love it ! I went around and began to take so many photos I was so in my element, I even began to take courses to learn more about the camera and wanting to learn better every single day !! The final photo of me was during thanksgiving ! my cousin had taken this photo of me, I overcame depression and anxiety and actually feel happy with myself ! I overcome obstacles and living a better life ! During the hard times, it does get better ! Surround yourself with positive people and be happy with everyone ! Im so grateful with everyone in my life !! (:

Ever watch a movie you can relate too so much ?

Hi Everyone ! Its been a couple of days since I last wrote, sorry for going M.I.A. for a while I have been on and off with writing a new blog post because I haven’t felt really inspired the past couple of days or should I say weeks.. So I kind of went missing and taking some time to myself. But, the other day while I was getting ready to go out I always put a movie on to hear some background noise when I get ready and I decided to watch Lost in Translation with Scarlett Johansson and Bill Murray, I never really knew the background of the movie I just remembered when I was little my mom had the Dvd in the house and I saw the iconic photo of Bill Murray in a bathrope in a hotel room. But, I was only 6 when I saw it and I was super confused. But, the movie was about two people Bob who is a famous actor and Charlotte who is staying with her photographer husband feeling very lost in their lives and are currently staying in a hotel in Japan. They feel lost not having any connection with the people because of the language barrier. Watching the movie I connected with the main character Charlotte, she is around my age and she was dealing with depression feeling like she cant tell anyone about whats going on with her making herself isolated from everyone. She is not happy in her marriage and she feels lost with where she is going in life and wants to find the true meaning of happiness. I related to her a lot as someone who just finished up college in the winter and still feels lost on what I wanna do and started to overthink “its not gonna get better” “everything sucks right” after I finished up with college I started to get sad and not feel like myself, I felt lost and confused with what was going on around me and I felt so isolated from the world. I think this movie helps a lot with dealing with depression or how it feels going through it, It was crazy how much I related to the main character . The one line that stood out to me the most is when she is talking to the another main character Bob in the hotel room and asks, “Does it get better?” at first he says “no” and then “yes” I related to this a lot because I always asked myself in my head “Will I get better” “Will it become easier” but in reality, life is hard and difficult but you can get through it no matter what ! Its normal to feel sad but it will get better you just need good people who surround you and encourage you to be the best person you can be !

How to deal with Panic Attacks during Concerts/Music Festivals

Hello ! So Today I wanted to write about my experience at GovBall in June but I wanted to bring up a serious topic that not really people discuss and I using this platform I wanted to bring it up and discuss me going through it personally ! So I bought Govball tickets in January (it was a graduation gift from finishing up college) and I was super pumped (New York Coachella) I was basically attending I never really went to a big concert like this I only attended a few mini concerts the biggest concert ive attended was probably Warped Tour last year ! So I really didn’t know what to expect, So it was the day of the concert and my sister and I were so exicted we left around 4 ish to get to the concert because the people we wanted to see such as, Brockhampton, Lil Wayne, and Tyler the Creator were performing ! So we went to the main stage after a long walk to Randall Park, Brockhampton was about to perform and we were dead in the front.. and I noticed I started to become panicky.. and I had no idea why, Ive been to so many concerts and in the front and never had this type of reaction so I started to become nervous and freaked out a little bit. But, I didn’t wanna ruin this moment and tried to stay calm with deep breathing and remebering “I am fine” “I am not gonna get hurt” “Its okay” just repeating those words in my head I slowly began to calm down. The show begins to start and the crowd is crazy it was to the point I was almost on the floor, so my sister and I left and walked towards the edge because I needed more space to breathe. Honestly if you ever experience that at all, just try to go near a space where it is less crowded no one is judging you or anything its okay ! if you need space thats fine ! After Brockhampton we went to see Lil Wayne and Tyler the Creator, we were near the back but we could still see the acts and I wasn’t crowded by so many people so I felt more okay and relaxed. It winded up being a really fun night ! The next day, it was Saturday ! that was a crazy day because we were at the concert longer than the day before and knowing myself I get tired after 5 hours being somewhere and I wanna go home LOL so yeah ! My sister and I, were waiting in the front waiting for the 1975 and out of nowhere i started to have a major panic attack to the point I couldn’t breathe and it was very scary because I haven’t experienced a full on panic attack like that since maybe 2 months ago, and I didn’t know what to do and I just wasn’t myself. Everyone in the crowd was very supportive and super nice trying to calm me down ! Thankfully, I got through it and finally calmed down and it was embarrassing I went through that with everyone watching me but everyone was super nice and just wanted to help me out ! What I wanna get out writing about this is, its okay to have a panic attack during a concert or music festival ! If you feel a little nervous tell someone or your friend youre with to let them know “Hey I feel a little off, I’m gonna stay in the back” and regroup at the end of the show ! Just always remember your safety and well-being comes first if you don’t agree with how your body is feeling its okay ! take your self out of that situation try to stand with less people and take a few calming breathes. Just remember what youre attending the concert for.. To have fun ! Enjoy the moment ! Don’t let it ruin your time ! Thanks for reading my little rant and hoped this helped anyone who read this !!

Brooke(:

As T.I. and Rhianna once said.. “So Live Ya Life!!”

Hey Everyone !! Hope you all had a great weekend !! Even though Monday is lurking around the corner, lets enjoy this Lazy Sunday and reflect on our weekends ! So yesterday, I had no plans like ZERO and Ive been hinting a New York City trip but I was like “eh maybe not cause no one wants to go with me” Also, I never been alone in the city by myself like EVER so I was always codependent on someone when I traveled. Basically, I said “Im gonna go to the city by myself and walk around and enjoy my time !” So catched a train and was on my way ! After 2 hours and a 1 min (yes I checked the ride time because I am a total noob) I was finally there ! Took a uber to Columbus Circle to meet up with my best friend from highschool Jason !! I havent seen him in, 5 years since we both graduated highschool but we always been super close and I was so exicted to see him ! So we met at the shops near Columbus and legit we had this adorable moment when I was so exicted to see him ! Like in the movies !! Where ya havent see a person in so long and you guys get super exicted ! So basically that is what happened ! We walked around Central Park, because I was dying to see Strawberry Fields I tried to go a couple of weeks ago by myself when I stayed in the City for a music festival, but I winded up getting lost and had to call my brother who lives near the park for directions to get out of the park LOL it was very bad but I survived. Sorry about that odd flashback but, we walked around and finally found strawberry fields ! (I obviously took a photo with it) and I saw the cute boats on the water and I begged Jason to come with me and do it, and hes like nah and I was like yeah I understand. (If any cute boys reading this who would like to take me on a cute date like that pls don’t be a stranger and message me) haha so after that idea failed, Jason took some cute photos of me ! I loved how he grasped me being my happy self and enjoying the moment !! (Also they’re very good dating profile photos as well) LOL okay I have to stop ! We walked around near the met !! and went to this small tiny diner ! Also they didnt give us our iced coffee and diet coke (very mad about that still) But around 5 I left ! It was a great day !! It’s always good to reconnect with old friends from your past ! Yes, you get older , life becomes more crazy ! But the connection is always there ! When I saw Jason legit nothing has changed between us we are still the goofy kids who would sit on the bench on our off period senior year and talking about our inside jokes ! All together what I want to get out of this blog post is, be grateful for the moment and the people who still are in your life ! Even though if you havent seen them in a while or talked to them in years, talking to them you realize you stil have a connection and a close bond it makes you realize why they were in your life in the first place ! Thanks all I wanted to say and share love you guys !

Brooke(:

Why Ive Been M.I.A …

Hey Everyone ! Long time no write (I thought I was being cleaver when I wrote that.. but I failed miserably) Anywhoooooo , So the reason ive been basically M.I.A for about two months. I have been writing on and off, but I started to give up and not believe what I was writing was good enough. I gave up and just delayed writing all together which was bad because I wanted to write but then I thought “Oh Ill do it later! Not a big deal !” Which made me begin to procrastinate and unmotivated and started to lose interest. A couple of weeks have passed since I last wrote, and I started not to feel like myself and I gave myself some “Me” time mostly consisted with hanging out with friends, going out exploring new places (nature preserves), and discovering my own happiness and trying to do things for myself independently . Honestly, it was the best decision to take some time off and work on myself. . Its good to take some alone time for yourself, we get so caught up on we need to get our lives together so we can live happy lives and become successful. Taking time for yourself does help you in the long run, a step back makes you become refocused on the goals and dreams you set up in the long run ! During this mini break I realized, I should not be so hard on myself in writing and in my personal life. Sometimes when we are so hard on ourselves (I know because I am my own worst critic) we give up on achieving what we want to become and goals we set out for ourselves and I noticed I was doing that and I slowly began to give up. Step by Step I started to better myself, whenever it was going away for a day doing something out of the ordinary, or exercise (yoga) , and just taking time for myself. I started to get more inspired and refocused. I think its a good thing for anyone in general to take a step back from your prioritizes in life and focus on yourself because you are the most important not other everyday tasks we focus on ! So that was my little rant ! I’ll be posting soon ! I got some good trips this month and I cant wait to write about it !! Love you all

Brooke(:

How does Instagram affect your Everyday Life?

How many of you wake up and the first thing you do is get out your phone and scroll through all your social media apps, I am mostly talking about Snapchat or Instagram. When we go on snapchat we look at everyone’s stories, seeing the new apartment they just got, going to that music festival you couldn’t get tickets for, the amazing trips in different countries, and trying out new amazing food from that new restaurant. But, I mostly want to focus on Instagram and start a conversation on how it can impact us negatively and positively.

I wanted to share my personal experience about Instagram, last summer I was going through a lot I was not happy and went through a hard time. I didn’t want anyone to know how I was feeling so I portrayed a “Happier” version of myself on social media. I saw this quote on Instagram that spoke to me a lot and it said,
“Instagram is your own personal little vision board, use it manifest your visions instead of posting reminders of your pain.” That spoke to me a lot, and decided let me delete all my dumb selfies in my bedroom, pictures I took years ago but reposted on Instagram, and my terrible attempt of drawing the little mermaid and gave up, drew her a sweater. Last summer, I was just so focused on my Instagram so focused on getting a lot of followers and gaining more likes. That was my true happiness during the time, which leads me to the conversation.. The one thing I don’t like about Instagram we are so obsessed with followers who looks at our feed, the likes we get, we have to delete our photo if it doesn’t get more than 100 likes, and how it is a competition to see how “popular” we are and who likes us the most. It can ruin our self esteem feeling as if we aren’t good enough, making us worried we are not living our life to the fullest and we start to view ourselves as “Lame”

I was so worried every time I lost a follower or didn’t get that many likes, I began to think to myself “Am I not pretty, fun, or interesting?” I began that summer planning trips to go upstate and go to the city, thinking you know if I go around and have fun people will be more interested and think “Hey Brooke is pretty cool!” The thing I am trying to point out is, I was more excited to take some cool photos and show everyone what I was doing! People are so invested in taking “The Best Photo” editing the photo, thinking of a clever caption, and watching all the likes come up on their home screen that they don’t enjoy the moment the time being on the time or hanging out with your friends, we are more focused on taking cute photos and posting the picture on Instagram. Also, Instagram is not a way for you to be “happy” I am not happy how we are in a society that we get so excited if we get so many likes on a photo or how many followers we have, that is not true happiness. Again, this is just my point of view on Instagram but I believe it takes over people’s lives and we don’t look beyond social media. I admit, I am guilty towards being obsessed with Instagram with reposting photos because it didn’t get as many likes, and if I hit 200+ likes on my photo I get excited. But, we have to remember this.. It is just a photo. We don’t know their whole story and who they are as a photo we just how they want to portray themselves on Social Media.

I shared my views on social media when I discussed about my body issues and the way I viewed myself based on, seeing girls looking amazing on Instagram and me feeling depressed and not good enough. One of my followers on Instagram, Mike had reached out to me about my blog post about my discussion about being body positive. I feel we need a platform to discuss the good and bad about social media and how we should change it, make it more positive besides feeling as if we are in a competition. Mike had told me he is working to become a psychologist and specializing in eating disorders. We both talked about how we struggled with our body images. Hoe we both take a day out and to focus on ourselves and the process of our self improvement. I want to share his point of view on the direction and influence of social media, (Also he should definitely start a blog because I saw so much truth in his writing!)

“The names that time will remember are those who resonate the most to specific audiences. The music created by legacy is composed by many, working collaboratively on a song of purpose, perseverance, insight and wisdom. This is a time where people are hungry for inspiration, compassion, affirmation, and knowledge. People want to learn, and they want to feel what they learn at an emotional level. They want to be entertained while simultaneously amazed. We’re dying for the next real and relatable underdog story. We have no idea who we can trust with our hope and our support, but we invest in those who put themselves on the front line, those who call themselves ‘influencers.’ Simply put, the definition of the term ‘influencer’ has become flexible. What will inspire society to exceed the boundaries that keep them grounded? We need voices that will elevate us and bring us to a new level of lifestyle satisfaction. We need not boundaries, we need more than names. We need heroes. So many characters have dominated Instagram with the image they present to the world, which is far from their authentic personalities. People aren’t required to post their baggage on social media. So we aspire to be like these people who aren’t posting their full selves in their #SundaySelfies. We’re living comparatively at the expense of self esteem. I firmly believe that people should be helping others, without the gratification and vanity brought by popularity. We need to abandon the ‘SELF help’ movement and work toward a ‘help others’ movement. We need to refuse boastful pride and judgment and move toward kindness and compassion. I’m noticing a trend. I see people shy away from presenting their valuable thoughts and ideas to the world because they feel that they aren’t enough. They refrain from posting their personal progress-whether it’s career progress, academic achievement, gym accomplishments, or anything that anyone else may say “Well…someone else did it better.” For the sake of self esteem, let’s change the direction that influence is heading. Let’s do all that we can to become influencers in our own regard. Let’s be more than just a picture on someone else’s Instagram feed. Let’s take back the role of ‘hero’ in our own stories and let us do so as our authentic, real, raw, selves. Let’s embrace imperfection and acknowledge love and progress for those who have come a long way with us. Let’s empower others and be part of the story rather than scroll through and pass through like ghosts. A movement is started with a single step.”

I believe we should end the stigma of the “Competition” that we see on Instagram and focus more on encouraging people ! Yes, I do believe Instagram and Social Media is a great platform to show your hobbies and ideas and It’s a great step in the right direction to become noticed by companies! But, at the same time the competition aspect can really damage a person’s self esteem and hurt them in the process. So my goal is to end, the struggle to become noticed or feel “good”and feel confident and post whatever you feel like posting and not be concerned on how people view yourself. Anyways thank you guys for reading this ! I hope we can join together and focus on the positive aspect of Instagram and end the negativity that comes along with it.

Brooke(:

Are you having a bad day ?

Today I woke up in a funk, I didn’t want to do anything and just stay in bed for the rest of the day. It was weird, last week I felt so good and feeling positive and out of the blue my negative thoughts had resurfaced back.. I didn’t want it to affect my day. Finally, getting out of my bed I decided to make myself a cup of coffee and put some comfy clothes on the best thing to do is get out of your pajamas. Try putting on some comfy jeans and a cute cardigan, which I did my mom had encouraged me to come out to look at some cute spring clothes and the local Marshall’s. Getting distracted by doing something such as going shopping and looking for cute clothes focuses your attention on something else, by looking at the clothes you get excited by, thinking about where you would wear it, how it would look on you, and how you would feel confident wearing the outfit. After shopping I went to eat some lunch, enjoyed a hamburger with french fries with my mom. It’s good to get out when you are eating you are surrounded by other people and can have meaningful conversations with the people you are with and enjoy each other company. After, we came back home I went back upstairs and listened to my music I realized I shouldn’t be in my room doing nothing and got up and went on a walk. I put my shoes on and blasted Panic at the Disco! on my phone and began to walk, I focused on the music playing and looked what was right in front of me. Walking sometimes helps you get out of your mind and gets you to think what you have in the moment. If you are angry or something, kick a rock and continue to walk I look at it like this when you are walking look at it like a path. There are going to be stumbles along the way but we still have to walk along the way to our beautiful destination. What I am trying to say in this post is, we go through our ups and downs and it is our decision on how to overcome the problem that is right in front of us. Its okay to go through bad times, it makes us stronger as individuals and we will see the light at the end of the road. Just remember to keep your head up and accept the sad days, you will get better !

Brooke(: