During quarantine, I was going through a dark period and thinking I wasn’t doing anything meaningful in life. Just continuously binge watching Netflix series my all time favorite “Bojack Horseman” and watching iconic romance movies of the 80s and a little of late 90s. Why I have such high expectations towards relationships. I decided one day to watch tarot card readings, I know people think “How could you see the future in a card?” , “It’s not real” , “Why are you wasting your time, believing this?” It had helped me to focus on the positive not always seeing the negative, does majority of tarot cards tell your whole future? No. But, it can help you a lot with your current situations. For me, I take whatever connects with me and tarot cards help with helping me decide to I wanna learn from this or do I wanna stay in my current situation. After watching about a whole 24 hours on my tarot card based on my sun sign, I decided to go on the internet to learn more about astrology and tarot cards because I was so fascinated about the whole concept. I learned more about myself, such as my sun,moon,rising, and venus signs and how that makes me as a person. While researching it totally opened my spiritual side, and I began to notice things such as “angel numbers” for one I started to notice “111” everywhere, mostly when I was looking at my phone I saw “111” constantly ! I was so confused and wondered “What does that, mean?” So I went on my laptop and started to look more into it, “Number 111, your angels are telling you that you have their support and their love. So, when number 111 appears by your side, it may be right moment to take action. You should start a new project or something that may be of great importance for your life.” Now that is is, July I am excited to start a new journey in my life! Letting go of a toxic past and start a new phase in my life !
After 15 years of being released, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind still blows my mind and made me never regret anyone who has crossed my path. I remember watching it for the first time, I was around 17 at the time, I wasn’t in any “real” romantic relationships because I was still young and trying to figure out who I was as a person. When watching the movie, it affected me and made me super emotional. It was so beautifully filmed traveling into Joel’s mind while deleting Clementine out of his memory and we see how his childhood is and how it shaped him into the person he was in present time in the film. When I first finished the movie, I was more drawn to the fact that it was set on Long Island and the main characters lived in Rockville Centre (where I was born). So maybe that’s why I loved it so much during the time? Probably. As I got older, when I started to officially date in my 20s it was an emotional roller coaster. The guys I dated, I either hated, held a grudge over how they treated me, and constantly wished that they didn’t deserve any happiness. (I swear ive matured since than aha) But as an young adult, It related so much to me as I was watching the movie (for about the 50th time) the movie said to me at least “Enjoy the journey, don’t ever regret anyone who comes in your path” I looked at the people who ive met with romantic and non-romantic relationships and I stopped wishing “God, I wish this person never came into my life” But, from meeting those people it has shaped me into the person I am today and right now in my life im pretty content with my relationships. For myself, I always see a negative past relationship or event in my life and think to “Okay, I got out of that situation, its over, I ended it, I can move on and make better memories.” For me, when watching this movie, I realized I never will regret meeting someone honestly, remember the good times, and remember if it wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t meant to be. Also, relationships that you had in your life make you stronger has a person I was having a conversation with one of my best friends after I watched the movie and she had said and til this day it sticks with me “when you meet people, there are good qualities and bad qualities. When you see the good qualities remember that, in your next relationship you will know what you want in a relationship and what you don’t want in a relationship.” I think past relationships make us who we are today as I said before (repeating myself but we good) and what we want in out future relationships. When I’m feeling sad I always put this movie on, and I realize I have good people in my life and my toxic relationships in the past made me the person who I am today, and I don’t regret it at all. I moved on with a happier life and I will never look back on the old times only the good times.
Hi Everyone, How is everyone doing with everything going on? I’m sorry for the past couple of days (More like weeks) I haven’t been as active, during this difficult time I want to focus on writing and find happiness during these events. I wanted to go back, and finish up my journal entries to self-improve myself to reconnect with all of you ! So here is my third journal entry, I decided to write a person from my past. I wanted to do this journal prompt, because I noticed I have been very stuck on this person and its been hard for me to move on to continue my future relationships. If you want, I hope this encourages you as well to end a toxic chapter in life and begin to live your life in pure happiness !
Its been a couple of months, since I sent my final to you text message saying its better off we don’t talk anymore. But, a year of on/off talking between in each other but I wanted to write to you to express how you truly made me feel about myself. I have held back my true feelings about how you have treated me, to move on and forgive you but I couldn’t. I will admit during the time we were in each others lives, I had played a part as well and I don’t think it is fair to just blame you we were both toxic for each other. The months we had talked, my self esteem was very weak, I changed my beliefs and my appearance so you would want to date me and not “hook up” and I was loosing myself I wasn’t the Brooke everyone knew anymore. I don’t want to get into detail about the things you did to me but all I wanted to ask was, why ? Why me? After you, I looked at myself differently I lost my spark, I felt I wasn’t good enough for anyone, and I was looking for love in everyone because I couldn’t love myself. But, I don’t want to look at the negative between us, I just want to say thank you I know you are probably super confused. But, after all the times you pretended I didn’t exist after we made plans to hang out, messaging me after you and an ex break up, wanting to hang out at 12 am, and saying how much you missed me to the point I believed it and pretending that everything you have done to me in the past didn’t break my heart. You had made me stronger, J you made me realize that I deserve so much better. Why would I want to go back to a guy who didn’t care about me? We talk for a couple of weeks and I feel great then out of the blue you pretend I don’t exist. Last Summer, I was going through a lot and decided to distance myself from others to focus on things that I made me happy such as Photography and Writing. During this isolation, I made new friends and did things for myself. I found happiness for myself and I now I officially say I can love myself, but I had one person I was struggling to let go and it was you. The last straw for me was when, I tried to talk to you on Halloween but you didn’t want to speak to me and I knew a couple of weeks prior you had went on a trip with a girl you began dating and I had no idea during the time because we had hung out and I had plans to see you in the city. I knew I had to let go and it was one part of my life that didn’t make me happy, In a crazy way looking back at it we both weren’t happy we wanted two different things. We weren’t happy in each others lives, I wanted to make a positive step in my life and move on from all the negativity starting with cutting ties with you. So J, I just wanna say you’re the reason why I have became stronger and the hurt you gave to me made me want to walk away and focus on myself. So, after months of hating you, wish we never met, and wanted all these bad things happen to you I just wanna say, I forgive you. I want to move on and let go of this anger that I have been holding for the past couple of months.
Hi Everyone ! I know its been a couple of weeks since I last posted something but, I wanted to write and get back on my goals and dreams. Recently I have been lacking on writing my blog posts, its come to my attention its been a year of having this blog ! So for my one year I decided to do a writing prompt of my self discovery throughout this month and how I want to improve myself and see how far ive come.. Anyways Lets start !!
Day 1: Work Through Every Section of your Life and Asses what is Working Well, What isn’t, and Any changes you can make?
I looked at my Costar Today and it had said, “Is There Time for Everything you want to do Today?” I really got me thinking.. There is always things I wanna do in a day, things I want to accomplish, but sometimes life gets in the way and I wind up forgetting or loosing track of time to the point I don’t achieve the goals I wanted to do Today. So, I wanted to get on the right track and get my head focused. So I wanted to think about the things in my life what im doing right now, how I wanna change and become a better person.. what is working.. what isn’t working.
What isn’t Working Well : Currently, I noticed that I don’t really have a routine for my day I kind of just go with the flow and see how my day is and I’m now at the point where I want structure in my day. I want to plan out how my day is so I can get things done! Another one is im very attached to my phone, I can be on the phone for hours without even realizing it watching videos on Instagram to binge watching a Netflix episode out in public. I wanna take away some of the electronics I use in my everyday for an hour and get myself refocused and stay concentrated because I tend to loose interest easily and avoid tasks im suppose to do during the day and then I say “Oh I have time tomorrow!” Then, I’ll never do it.. and it will be a repeating cycle. So then that leads to the other thing in my life that isn’t working well Procrastination, which I do a lot and it annoys me its hard to have motivation it could be to making my bed in the morning to calling to make an appointment to the hair salon or something. I really want to change that because I believe it could make my life a little less complicated if I just do something without being worried or nervous, and just being plain lazy and doing it towards the last minute. The Last thing is, I noticed a pattern I have with relationships (Mostly Romantic) when the guy I am interested in starts to loose interest I tend to reach out mostly and I don’t wanna them to loose interest with me or not like me anymore. It’s been affecting me a lot because Ive noticed its become a pattern, I wanted to end that cycle and say to myself constantly “If they want to message you they will, you have people who love you and think you’re amazing if one person doesn’t want to be in your life that’s okay!” It’s sometimes hard for me, but I have to remind myself that daily and I feel better.
What Changes I Want To Make : The Changes I would like to make is, I want to be more connected to the world than being glued to my phone 24/7 which as I got older I noticed, and there is more to life than electronics. I want to take one day just one day out of my life without using my phone.. I actually slowly began doing that I got a coloring book and I feel super focused when I am coloring and it relaxes me a lot when I am stressed and overwhelmed. I want to meet more people who have the same interests towards writing and photography, this summer I met some really cool people who are interested towards photography and its really awesome when they understand what you’re talking about because I feel like when I nerd out talking about photography people look at me with two heads and I get super self-conscious so I talk about a funny story that happened to me in my past LOL. I also wanna go out more and explore nature the weather is slowly getting better and I love going to pirates cove and Avalon in the spring time ! Recently I wanted to get back into drawing im honestly like not the best but I do love being creative and meeting people who have the similar interest’s as me !! Those are the things I want to change in my life right now ! Also, be more focused with goals I want to set out to do to better my future self ! ❤ Thank you all for reading , hope you all enjoyed my daily journal prompt number one ! Check out Number Two Tomorrow !! Love to all ! Have a Beautiful Day !!
“Cause there is beauty in the breakdown” – Frou Frou “Let Go”
Hi Everyone ! I can’t believe that in two more days ! We are going into a new decade !! Its crazy ! The fact that the year is coming to a end, I wanted to recap my year in 2019 ! I wanted to show photos to show my progress of how I evolved as a person ! ❤ I wanted to use the first photo from my 22nd birthday, during that time it was the beginning of 2019.. in that photo you see a girl smiling next to her favorite birthday cake.. but inside I was going through a very bad depression to the point I had lost myself, I wasn’t Brooke anymore. But, I did not want anyone to know my struggles only few people in my inner circle and family knew I was struggling a lot.. but I was putting on a happy face while I was on social media, pretending my life was great and I was so happy.. it honestly was a cry for help. The next photo is a selfie in my room, (Very basic I know) I believe this was in the middle of the year in March, seeing the selfie now I think okay that is a nice photo of myself ! While, that photo was taken I thought I looked disgusting and began to edit my face to the point where it was pretty obvious it was photo shopped. All I did was take photos in my room, and posting them on Instagram because I was not feeling good about myself and I wanted reassurance that I was beautiful and feeling accepted. I didn’t feel it towards myself so I was seeking approval from others. Everyone knew, they would start pointing out I was taking too many selfies and began to tell me to stop and I had gotten angry pretending I didn’t have a problem and I was fine. In the 3rd photo, maybe in April this photo was taken my friend and I went to pirates cove and decided to walk around, this is when I realized my depression was affecting everyone around me, and I needed help ! I decided to go to therapy to talk to someone and vent about my issues going on with myself. Also, this is when spring was beginning so I felt better because in the winter time I do suffer from seasonal depression.. and it is very hard for me to be motivated . So when Spring was arriving I felt better, and more encouraged to get out of bed and live my life ! I started to get back into yoga ! Which made me feel more confident with working out and it helped a lot of with my endorphins making me feel more positive and happy ! In the summer which was in the 4th photo, I started to get into photography ! It was a great outlet to express myself ! It helped me gain back confidence in myself ! Taking photos to show the beauty in the world ! Photography had made me meet so many new people and gained my confidence back and reconnected with people from my past ! In the 5th photo I started to blog which helped me express how I was feeling ! I have problems with talking about how I feel to others, when I get upset or mad I don’t express how I am feeling which isn’t fair to everyone because mostly they have no idea what is going on or are confused. It was a great outlet to talk about how I really feel !! Sometimes when I had a bad day I would just write and vent about what was going on with myself. In the 6th photo, I went to a sunflower field (Oh really Brooke ? I had no idea !!) This was near the end of Summer, I was feeling better ! I started to help my dad with shoots at his company and felt really good ! But, I was talking to someone from my past that I shouldn’t have, I was dependent on him to make me happy which you should never do ! You should always feel happy with yourself ! Never be dependent on someone to make you feel worthy. I really liked this guy a lot, even though in the past the relationship (we never dated but we had a fling) was rocky and we wanted two different things out of our relationship. I remember messaging him and trying to get his attention, meanwhile he was talking to other girls and it made me feel miserable about myself thinking “Why aren’t I good enough?” It affected my self esteem and how I viewed myself. During that time, I realized I still wasn’t feeling 100% about myself. I thought I had gotten better but talking to this guy and realizing that I was upset that he talked to other girls or didn’t like my photos on Instagram affected me so much. I noticed I was getting depressed again because of a fucking guy and I thought “Why am I getting so upset over him?” I didn’t wanna go back into depression because of this stupid guy who didn’t even really care about me so I texted him one day and said we shouldn’t talk anymore and it would be good for the both of us ! Honestly, sending that text message to him felt so good ! I was done with the constant talking to me and then leaving me alone ! I deserve so much better ! I wanted to have people in my life who give an effort to talk to me and get to know me ! Not me, talking to them on their time and waiting around for them ! In the 6th photo, I decided to go into the city by myself (For the first time) I hanged out with my friend, Jason. Who ive been close with ever since highschool ! We walked around and hanging out for a while ! He was taking photos of me (my personal photographer of the day) I love how he took photos of myself in my prime just enjoying the moment and being happy !!! (: Its great reconnecting with old people from your past as i said before you left off where you guys were before ! Also, seeing Jason how happy he was and how much he had achieved since highschool made me so happy for him and I was so proud and still am being his friend !! In the 7th photo, I finally got a camera (Canon t2i) old school but I still love it ! I went around and began to take so many photos I was so in my element, I even began to take courses to learn more about the camera and wanting to learn better every single day !! The final photo of me was during thanksgiving ! my cousin had taken this photo of me, I overcame depression and anxiety and actually feel happy with myself ! I overcome obstacles and living a better life ! During the hard times, it does get better ! Surround yourself with positive people and be happy with everyone ! Im so grateful with everyone in my life !! (:
From the outside looking in, it seems fine but they don’t know shit about the everyday grindMac Miller “Life Aint Easy”
Hi Everyone ! Back at it ! Its crazy that we our almost about to enter 2020… I wanted to reflect on how ive grown and changed during this year ! I had taken these photos over the summer with sunflowers.. Sunflowers symbolize worship and faithfulness representing the sun, which associates with spiritual knowledge and the desire to seek light and truth !
When going through the photos I had taken over the course of the summer.. I wanted to discuss a topic about how we want people to view us, and what we want to hide from others. So the background of the story of these photos, I colored the sunflowers because as I said before it displays happiness and we want to show people that we are feeling happy kind of like on social media how we want everyone to see the good and we don’t want them to know we are struggling and life is going pretty great ! We hide the negativity in our life from others because we don’t want anyone to know they’re struggling with ourselves. Reflecting on me this past year, I represent the sunflower I was going through a depression around the time I finished up at college. I didn’t want other people to know outside of inner circle, so I decided to post a lot on Instagram showing that I was having fun and being happy ! But, I on the inside I was going through some personal things and I was struggling with finding my own happiness.. I was trying to find happiness through people or activities but I was finding “Temporary Happiness”. Throughout the years meeting people or doing things I thought I was “Happy” but how could I be happy when I wasn’t happy/loving myself. For the first time in my 22 years, I finally found how to love myself with writing and photography it had helped me express my true self and opened a window of new opportunities and meeting new people ! I didn’t feel I needed to hide behind a false appearance of myself anymore. I didn’t need to pretend I was happy for the first time in my life, I was actually happy and found my own happiness! What I wanted to get out of these photos I have taken is, we do sometimes hide behind our happiness or display we are happy but we don’t want anyone to know or fears or worries in the outside world. Thanks for reading part 2 of my photography stories !! Let me know what you guys think so far !
Hi Everyone ! Its been a couple of days since I last wrote, sorry for going M.I.A. for a while I have been on and off with writing a new blog post because I haven’t felt really inspired the past couple of days or should I say weeks.. So I kind of went missing and taking some time to myself. But, the other day while I was getting ready to go out I always put a movie on to hear some background noise when I get ready and I decided to watch Lost in Translation with Scarlett Johansson and Bill Murray, I never really knew the background of the movie I just remembered when I was little my mom had the Dvd in the house and I saw the iconic photo of Bill Murray in a bathrope in a hotel room. But, I was only 6 when I saw it and I was super confused. But, the movie was about two people Bob who is a famous actor and Charlotte who is staying with her photographer husband feeling very lost in their lives and are currently staying in a hotel in Japan. They feel lost not having any connection with the people because of the language barrier. Watching the movie I connected with the main character Charlotte, she is around my age and she was dealing with depression feeling like she cant tell anyone about whats going on with her making herself isolated from everyone. She is not happy in her marriage and she feels lost with where she is going in life and wants to find the true meaning of happiness. I related to her a lot as someone who just finished up college in the winter and still feels lost on what I wanna do and started to overthink “its not gonna get better” “everything sucks right” after I finished up with college I started to get sad and not feel like myself, I felt lost and confused with what was going on around me and I felt so isolated from the world. I think this movie helps a lot with dealing with depression or how it feels going through it, It was crazy how much I related to the main character . The one line that stood out to me the most is when she is talking to the another main character Bob in the hotel room and asks, “Does it get better?” at first he says “no” and then “yes” I related to this a lot because I always asked myself in my head “Will I get better” “Will it become easier” but in reality, life is hard and difficult but you can get through it no matter what ! Its normal to feel sad but it will get better you just need good people who surround you and encourage you to be the best person you can be !
Hey Everyone ! How is everyone’s day going ? I’m always bad at starting these blogs because I have no idea what to say first so I usually write the first thing that comes to mind and go along with it haha ! Also, wanna mention I made a new logo for the blog ! (I mean shes cute, shes a winner) Currently making changes to make it pop more !! If you guys have any ideas for me let me know ! I wanna give it more of that wow factor ! Sorry off topic ! 🙂 Anyways, I wanna talk about Summer how we get all excited because the weather is finally warm , we can do so many more activities, and creating more memories ! This Summer, I was so excited to go out more and do things I haven’t experienced (legit made a summer bucket list because I am basically 5 years old) I always wanna have fun during the summer time and live everyday like its my last ! Then, i started to get distracted by certain situations and people. I was putting my time and energy on people and situations that I shouldn’t have dwelled on to begin with, but in the moment I had caught myself and realized “Why am I doing this to myself?” So I took a step back and reanalyzed everything that had happened for the past month and got myself together. I decided to take a week or two by myself and try to focus on me, Mental Health is very important if you have to take a break and just focus on yourself there is nothing wrong with that ! I’m really thankful for my friends and family who were super understanding with my decision ! Being by myself I realized who much the people in my inner circle really care about me and want me to the best person that I am , it made me forget about the other things that were going on and made me more confident to better myself ! I think when we feel lost or you get distracted by everyday events we should stop everything and remember what makes us happy ? who in my life really cares about me ? and how will I move on from this will I become stronger or will this make me weaker. I think negative situations that happen in our life, make us stronger and realize we can move on and be grateful how we overcame the situation. This is why im just focusing on myself this summer trying to become a better person ! Using my creativity, following through my goals, and working hard ! Working on yourself can give you positive feedback and feeling good about yourself internally. When you feel good about yourself it reflects in who you are as a person and the people you attract in your life !!
Hello ! So Today I wanted to write about my experience at GovBall in June but I wanted to bring up a serious topic that not really people discuss and I using this platform I wanted to bring it up and discuss me going through it personally ! So I bought Govball tickets in January (it was a graduation gift from finishing up college) and I was super pumped (New York Coachella) I was basically attending I never really went to a big concert like this I only attended a few mini concerts the biggest concert ive attended was probably Warped Tour last year ! So I really didn’t know what to expect, So it was the day of the concert and my sister and I were so exicted we left around 4 ish to get to the concert because the people we wanted to see such as, Brockhampton, Lil Wayne, and Tyler the Creator were performing ! So we went to the main stage after a long walk to Randall Park, Brockhampton was about to perform and we were dead in the front.. and I noticed I started to become panicky.. and I had no idea why, Ive been to so many concerts and in the front and never had this type of reaction so I started to become nervous and freaked out a little bit. But, I didn’t wanna ruin this moment and tried to stay calm with deep breathing and remebering “I am fine” “I am not gonna get hurt” “Its okay” just repeating those words in my head I slowly began to calm down. The show begins to start and the crowd is crazy it was to the point I was almost on the floor, so my sister and I left and walked towards the edge because I needed more space to breathe. Honestly if you ever experience that at all, just try to go near a space where it is less crowded no one is judging you or anything its okay ! if you need space thats fine ! After Brockhampton we went to see Lil Wayne and Tyler the Creator, we were near the back but we could still see the acts and I wasn’t crowded by so many people so I felt more okay and relaxed. It winded up being a really fun night ! The next day, it was Saturday ! that was a crazy day because we were at the concert longer than the day before and knowing myself I get tired after 5 hours being somewhere and I wanna go home LOL so yeah ! My sister and I, were waiting in the front waiting for the 1975 and out of nowhere i started to have a major panic attack to the point I couldn’t breathe and it was very scary because I haven’t experienced a full on panic attack like that since maybe 2 months ago, and I didn’t know what to do and I just wasn’t myself. Everyone in the crowd was very supportive and super nice trying to calm me down ! Thankfully, I got through it and finally calmed down and it was embarrassing I went through that with everyone watching me but everyone was super nice and just wanted to help me out ! What I wanna get out writing about this is, its okay to have a panic attack during a concert or music festival ! If you feel a little nervous tell someone or your friend youre with to let them know “Hey I feel a little off, I’m gonna stay in the back” and regroup at the end of the show ! Just always remember your safety and well-being comes first if you don’t agree with how your body is feeling its okay ! take your self out of that situation try to stand with less people and take a few calming breathes. Just remember what youre attending the concert for.. To have fun ! Enjoy the moment ! Don’t let it ruin your time ! Thanks for reading my little rant and hoped this helped anyone who read this !!
This is the first Christmas were I decided not to get all dolled up, I felt so insecure about my body. I couldn’t even wear I dress without feeling disgusting in it, looking at my stomach, thighs, and my arms. Looking at this photo right now you all are probably thinking, “Brooke what are you talking about, you aren’t even fat”. But, it was much deeper than that I was not happy with myself and it started to reflect on my physical appearance. Sometimes when you get down on yourself, it begins to reflect on yourself and your interactions with others. One of the reasons of me being so down on myself was, I hated my body. I let myself go, it was to the point I would eat all the time for comfort and didn’t even care what I had put inside my body. It was to the point I would have to wear big sweatshirts and sweatpants to feel comfortable in my own skin. It was to the point I had to wear spankx under neath my clothes when I would go out.
In this photo you can see myself wearing the sphanx, every time I would go out with my friends I would compare myself to all the other girls at the bar. That was one of the worst things I did, compare myself to other people based on physical appearance. Now a days with social media such as, Instagram it’s very hard for people to compare themselves to others in their selfies, trips, and showing off their body. I tried to loose weight but not in a good way, I tried to eat only one meal a day, stayed in bed all day didn’t so I wouldn’t eat, and wouldn’t even attempt to work out. I wanted to change and wanted to be happy but I had no idea how to start, one day i realized I had to get out of this funk I was so adapted to and start doing something. Little baby steps can make a big impact on your life, you have to leave the comfort zone to grow as a person. If you stay in your comfort zone for the rest of your life how are you suppose to grow as a individual? Taking these steps will help you go on the right path and work towards your goals to find true happiness.
This is me now, I started to eat more healthier and I began to join a yoga studio near my house and I feel good emotionally and mentally. I didn’t care about loosing weight like I was in the past, all that matter is that I was happy and I take some time out of my day to work out and relax my mind. In the photo, this was my first time wearing a crop top in 8 months and a skirt. I felt super confident, and did not care what anyone else looked like and carried out my own positive light the whole night I was with my friends and just focused on the good. I’m now in a comfortable position to say “I Love my Body” I realized if you put the time and effort into yourself the outcome will be successful. What i’m trying to say is we are all beautiful and our bodies come in all different shape and sizes. We have the power to change how we feel by taking actions and working hard for our goals. Right now, I am in a good place physically and mentally focusing on the good while doing things that make me happy and I feel great eternally and it reflects in my spirit and the way I carry myself.